The only frustrating part is that the weight is coming off with agonizing slowness this time, but I know that as long as I stick to it (they call it “staying in the box”), the weight will have to come off eventually. So I’m shifting my focus from what the scale says each week to the way I’ll look and feel when the fast ends in about five months. Since this is my Final Diet, I’m determined to succeed.
Regrettably, long-term dietary success has eluded me in the past. For instance, let me tell you about the ghastly time I was caught red-handed by (cue ominous trumpet blare) The Diet Police…
Sunday, September 18, 2005: Susan boldly announces her new diet to friends, family and the entire blogosphere. Her last hurrah meal before turning to a stringent, monk-like life of sprouts, radicchio and arugula is Paula Deen's hellaciously good Double Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake.
Tuesday, September 20: It's the second day of Susan's diet. She's stuck to it perfectly, but her usually cheerful, bright, humorous demeanor has been hijacked by a crazed, snarling, barking chocolate-deprived lunatic. Familiar with this demented second-day-of-the-diet persona, Susan's husband and daughter abscond to the farthest recesses of the house, quaking in fear.
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
--Jackie Gleason
Monday, September 26: Susan has been perfect on her diet for a week. Thank God almighty, the insanity has passed! She's psyched and motivated! She has no valid excuse for not eating right because she used to be a weight loss counselor. An astonishingly brilliant, well-read, walking, talking storehouse of dietary knowledge, Susan can't possibly fail this time.
Monday, October 3: Susan's staggering willpower combined with her mind-blowing powers of comprehension and logic keep her diligent on the diet for 14 days. She righteously boasts a smug smile as she clacks away at the keyboard while working on her latest manuscript because she is a phenomenal dieting success story in the making! The mere notion of dietary failure is utterly ludicrous.
Saturday, October 8: It's a dark day for Susan. The Diet Police arrive on her doorstep in the guise of her husband (Mike) and daughter (Jen). Jen zeroes in on a tiny smattering of peanut-skin residue on the carpet in front of Susan's chair in the family room in front of the TV. A brisk discussion ensues:
Jen: Mom, what is all this? Were you eating peanuts?
Susan (like a deer caught in headlights): Huh? Oh…uh…no. It was probably Dad. The…uh…the peanut skins must have blown over from the spot in front of his chair somehow. (liar, liar, pants on fire)
Mike (throwing something out in the kitchen and spying 40 million peanut shells): Whoa! Jen, did you eat all those peanuts?
Jen (pointing an accusatory finger at her poor defenseless mother): Uh-uh. Not me, Dad. It was Mom.
Susan (with an astonished gasp): It most certainly was not! (she clears her throat and swallows hard as The Diet Police give her The Look) …Well, perhaps I may have nibbled on one or two.
Mike (shoulders sagging): Aw, Susan, and here you were doing so good on your diet. What happened? It looks like a whole bag's worth of peanut shells in here.
Susan (wiping tiny beads of perspiration from her upper lip): Nothing happened. It's okay. Peanuts are allowed on my diet. (she starts to babble when her comments are met with steely-eyed glares and silence) They're very nutritious, high in fiber and protein. Protein is vital for the growth, maintenance and repair of your body's tissues, and is one of the essential building blocks of all life. And it takes time to shell them so, unlike other snacks I eat them more slowly. It even burns calories to shell them! Besides, it's not like I was eating chocolate bars (Susan's fingers fly to her nose to see if it's growing) or brownies or thick, dense, crusty slabs of buttered bread or (pauses to wipe the drool from her chin) a mound of buttery mashed potatoes with gravy or--
Mike: Uh-huh. So those chocolate bar wrappers at the bottom of the waste basket next to your desk weren't yours then, right?
Susan (feeling pressured and hemmed in like a caged animal): Those were from a long time ago, way before the diet started. And why were you digging through my trash, anyway?
Mike: I'm the one who empties it, remember? And those wrappers weren't there when I emptied the basket a week ago.
Susan (feeling feverish, trapped, guilty…difficulty breathing): Oh… Okay, so it was just a teensy-tiny binge, that's all. A mere tidbit of caloric indiscretion. I deserved it after being perfect on the diet for more than two weeks. And this morning I'm already right back on track. Trust me! (hoisting a thumb, Susan grins too wide)
Jen (in role-reversal mode as she puts her arm around Susan's shoulder): Do you want to talk about it, Mom? You know I'm here for you.
Mike (wrapping his arm around Susan's other shoulder): What can we do to help? Maybe you need to join a diet group, you know, like Weight Watchers, or maybe Jenny Craig. Kirstie Alley was huge and look how great she's doing. If she can do it, you can, too.
Monday, October 10: With Mike and Jen both at work, Susan scurries to Trader Joe's to fortify herself with ample quantities of European milk chocolate because, dammit, she needs it after Mike compared her weight to Kirstie Alley's before pictures.
"Wow! What a funny crazy adventure this is! I can see my life and my butt changing before my eyes!"
--Kirstie Alley
Friday, October 14: Susan looks bloated. Huge. Her fat jeans are too tight. She's lethargic and has the sugar blues. Her closet is full of so many different sizes she could open a second-hand clothing shop. The madness must stop. She makes the only logical choice possible in a situation like this--she heads to the store for a pint of Häagen-Dazs Almond Hazelnut Swirl ice cream.
"I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge."
--Paula Poundstone
Tuesday, October 18: Susan, a/k/a Miss-Smarty-Pants-Diet-and-Nutrition-Know-it-All, finally accepts the fact that her limitless expertise isn't doing her a damn bit of good. She needs to be accountable, not only to the blogosphere, but in person, face-to-face, to real live people. And as much as she detests weighing and measuring and counting and recording, etc., she clearly needs the rigid structure of all that to keep her honest and in line. Which means that the next morning she's joining Weight Watchers.
Wednesday, October 19: Susan meekly marches in to a Weight Watchers meeting all by herself. And she actually steps on the scale in front of another human being for the first time this century. The meeting is full of sweet blue-haired senior citizen ladies and Susan feels like a youngster. When asked what she does, she says she's a writer, neglecting to add that she sometimes pens saucy romance novels rife with graphic sex scenes.
Wednesday, October 26: For one week now, Susan has been counting points, weighing, measuring, calculating, recording, and doing all the other stuff she'd hoped she'd never have to do again. This morning she'll attend her second Weight Watchers meeting, and expects excellent results at the scale. Oddly enough she finds the rules, structure and all the busy work to be comforting. She finishes each day with points left over and feels satisfied and happy. She's also hugely humble and wary of what the next day may bring.
TODAY--Thursday, April 23, 2009: That, dear readers, brings us to the close of just one sordid episode of my numerous diet foibles. I stuck with the diet for a while longer and then…well, you know the rest. As for the stuff about The Diet Police, I've come to realize that the fiercest most observant Diet Cop of them all is me. I may be slick enough to fool somebody else with a bit of clever cheating here and there, but I can never fool myself. No more liar, liar, pants on fire for this dieter!
Please do me a favor and keep your fingers crossed for me so I don't fail (again) and thoroughly humiliate myself. :-0
What about you and your personal weight loss journey? What kind of diet are you following and how is it working for you? Were you ever caught by The Diet Police? Tell me about it!
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14 Crazy Comments:
I had a Diet Revelation last year. It's not like falling off a wagon....it's much more like forgetting to brush your teeth. So what if you don't do that one night or two? The world doesn't come to an end. It isn't the end of the system you want to adopt.
You simply just pick it up again the next day--and without all that Horrible GUILT of messing up, dieting, or rather sticking to healthy food, is much easier. And messing up isn't as scary.
I so feel your pain! Back in 1996, I lost 25 lbs. Mostly I kept it off, though each year a few pounds crept back on. I went down from a size 8 to a 4. The 4 became a 6, which was cool, and I wore a size 6for years. I got older, life got busier - more books to write, the day job, etc etc. I exercised less and less, gradually started eating what I wanted, and in the last three years, I've gained it all back - plus 10 more pounds. And while I don't think I'll every be a size 4 again, a 6 would be nice. I'd even take a loose 8. (I'm 5'4" nad pushing 48)
Wish me luck!
I tend to get real mean when I get caught...I think that has led my husband to ignore any signs of cheating. LOL
That was a wise and excellent diet revelation you had, Kate! The guilt is definitely the worst thing to deal with. I’ve been used to living with dietary guilt for so many years it’s tough to get past that negative mindset.
When I’m able to get to the point where you are now, it will be a major victory for me. :-) Thanks!
I do wish you luck, Anonymous! You’re a perfect example of someone who’s not morbidly obese but who still has to struggle with weight issues. I don’t care what size we are, when we’re carrying extra weight it negatively impacts our lives in so many ways.
It’s amazing how the weight just creeps up on us and how we slip out of our exercise habits so easily, isn’t it? It also gets somewhat harder to lose weight as we age. At least it comes off a lot slower, and that can be frustrating. I’ve got 11 years on you and I’m experiencing the consequences of no longer being 30. Weight loss was lots easier and faster then.
I know you’ll lose the weight and keep it off this time, Anon. Think about celebrating your 50th in 2 years looking better and younger than you have in years! :-D
LOL That's a good idea, Lesley. In the future if my husband ever catches me in the midst of a diet blunder, I'll snarl at him, then threaten him with bodily harm if he so much as opens his mouth. :-D
Ohhh yes indeed, the Sugar Sheriff has come-a-knockin' on my door in the past. I'm diabetic and the ironic thing is I would NOT drink orange juice, but could easily eat an entire bag of Reeses mini-cups. Sugar was (is) the devil for me. Your post was hysterical. The diet police are in the past now Susan. They're like an old episode of CHiPS. Long gone...you're going to do it this time. Five more months. That's it.
By the way, thank you for the supportive comments on my blog. :)
“The Sugar Sheriff” LOL I love that, Tisha. Isn’t it amazing what we do to ourselves even though we know how it could jeopardize our health? I’ve heard of so many people who lost a lot of weight and had their diabetes either disappear altogether, or at least greatly improve. I’m hoping that’s the case for you, Tisha!
Thanks for your support. It’s great to have found someone who is not only doing the same program I am, but who started at exactly the same time. Together we can wax poetic about how scrumptious we can make our shakes with all the allowable add-ins like flavored sugar free syrups, SF jello & pudding, etc. I tried the chocolate shake with the toffee flavored SF syrup after reading about it on your blog and you’re right—tasted just like a liquid Heath bar! Much, much better than a bag of Reese’s mini-cups, Tisha. ;-)
First, its wonderful that you're open and honest about your diet history. Its important to look at the past and LEARN from it, not to see it as a negative issue.
I completely understand your issues of dietary GUILT. It's a common issue for yo-yo dieters (and others).
It's clear to me that your issue is not just about the food. And its a big reason so many people do yo-yo diet. Anyone can stick to a "plan" and lose weight,.
The bigger question is:
What are you hungry FOR?
Because I'm telling you, it's not the Food Police or Häagen-Dazs Almond Hazelnut Swirl ice cream or peanuts that are the issue. Of course, you need to eat healthy but you know HOW to do that, you just can't do it (in the long-run at least).
This is why you need to change your relationship with food. All the counting calories, worrying about fat grams, and weighing food will not solve that problem.
For many women, it's about an un-balance in their life. Food is just the "fix" for them.
Trust me, I've been there (more times than I'd like to admit) and I now help other women get out of the diet and yo-yo rut.
I work with smart and savvy women just like you who are successful -- but just can't seem to conquer that last frontier. It's about getting your life re-balanced in a way that works for YOU (and not somebody else's plan) that will make it easier for the scale to move.
Look -- even OPRAH knows how to lose weight but she can't keep it off. She knows its a deeper issue and not about the food. I even wrote about it on my blog: http://www.eatwithoutguilt.com/the-real-reason-oprah-has-gained-weight-again/
Oprah has even acknowledged that it's not just about the food. It's about finding balance in her life, and about coming to term with her "inner hunger."
You need to change your focus away from the food and back to YOU.
You’re absolutely right, Dinneen, when you say that yoyo dieters’ issues are not just about the food. If that was the case all we’d have to do is push ourselves away from the table and exercise more. ;-)
Changing our relationship with food is, of course, the key. Finding balance in our lives brings peace, harmony and diet sanity so we can stop the yoyo syndrome once and for all.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your valuable words of wisdom. Glad we met on Twitter!
Guilt is a great motivator to evade the diet police. Right now I'm in the middle of trying to make changes to our way of eating (we like carbs a bit too much) and while I refuse to deprive myself all the time, I know that if I were to go crazy with the carbs I'd feel guilty. To myself because my hubs? Won't say a word. *g*
Yes, guilt is something that can be really difficult to move past. Brandy, it sounds to me like you have a sound, sane manner when it comes to your relationship with food. You're where I aspire to be! :-)
I'm a great yo yo dieter. I do the traditional "last supper" thing and then do my diet. Lose a few pounds and then sabotage myself and give up only to gain back lost pounds plus many more.
I've finally been able to find some balance in my life and have some occasional naughty things (like pizza tonight) but eat great the rest of the time.
Weight loss is the hardest thing we'll probably ever do but it's soooo worth it. Feel better and look better.
NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels.
“NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels” Oh that’s so very true, Kelly! I first heard that quote years ago at a Weight Watchers meeting and it’s been one of my favorites ever since. :-)
You have no idea how much I look forward to getting to that place where I’ve achieved balance in my life and can manage to have small, “normal-people-sized” portions of favorite foods like pizza, while eating healthy the rest of the time. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve disciplined yourself to be able to do that! That’s what it’s all about. :-D
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