A Wicked Pre-Diet Chocolate Binge and Weight Loss Fantasies

As I begin the third week of my final diet (and feel the slow return to sanity), I've been thinking about some of my past pre-diet last suppers. Let me tell you, there were some bountiful binges, calorific transgressions and mega-carb doozies. Whew!

There's one in particular from 2005 that comes to mind. It was September 18. I remember the date because I blogged about it on my author blog. I had just finished writing, editing and submitting my latest romantic comedy manuscript to my publisher and had decided to get things out of the way, before I became steeped in writing the next book.

When I say things, I mean like fulfilling my promise to my husband to reduce the collected heaps of assorted junque that had been accumulating since I began writing the book. You know, like clipped recipes for Tuvan-Mongolian Fried Pooza, or Egyptian Saniyit Kufta, or umpteen other intriguing recipes that I knew darn well I'd never get around to cooking. And things like sorting through all my precious one-of-a-kind finds that have been sitting untouched since I discovered them deep in the cobwebbed bowels of someone else's garage. (I'll bet you don't have an 8x10 silver-plate picture frame studded with chunks of faux amethyst, clear crystals and tiny purple macaroni stars!)

And things like starting Weight Watchers (for the umpteenth time) the next day.

My 2005 WW diet wasn't just any diet, mind you. This diet was (insert hallelujah chorus music here) THE ONE. The lose-every-excess-pound-and-be-fit-and-healthy-and-look-fifteen-years-younger-and-stay-that-way-happily-ever-after diet. I'll bet a lot of you have been on a few of those too.

Anyway, as an avowed foodaholic, before getting the first day of the new diet out of the way, I had to get the last day before the diet out of the way. For me, that meant something sinfully rich with chocolate. It was actually a dual purpose mission--a pre-diet binge and end-of-the-manuscript celebration rolled into one. Yes indeed, my brilliant multitasking provided a double excuse for justifying a terrible habit.

As a rule I avoid using convenience foods like mixes, prepared foods, instant stuff, etc. I'm a from-scratch kind of cook who prefers to use whole, organic ingredients. The good thing about rules is that there are always exceptions. And the Double Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake I made was one of them. The masterpiece of be-still-my-heart scrumptious chocolaty perfection actually incorporated a *gasp* packaged cake mix. The final product was teaming with enough fat, sugar and calories to clog my arteries, make my teeth ring, and mummify my brain for the next decade. And, let me tell you, it was goooood!

I learned about this chocoholic's pre-diet fantasy on an episode of Paula Deen's “Paula's Home Cooking” show on the TV Food Network. This is a woman I could hang out with, do lunch with, laugh with, cry with, swap recipes and diet horror stories with. Unfortunately, I couldn't sit and eat a day's worth of Paula's butter-and-sugar-infused food with her and expect to wake up the next morning.

I tweaked Paula's recipe a bit: more cocoa powder and vanilla, plus a bit of espresso powder in the cream cheese mixture. The result was so intensely chocolate and delicious that I was quite certain the memory would soothe me through the imminent months of broccoli, green beans, countless salads, and the occasional carrot curl for dessert.

An upside for my husband was that I was so wired with caffeine and sugar after glomming down the majority of the Double Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake, I'd been zooming around the house, neatening, cleaning and organizing as if I were a super battery-powered Susie Homemaker robot. Very unlike me. See? Just one more reason why chocolate is, indeed, the perfect food.

I expected that, as I settled my soon-to-be-thin butt at the computer the next day, with my 64-ounces of water in a plastic jug and a bowl of trimmed raw veggies at my side, I would thank Paula Deen for her inventiveness with a packaged cake mix and her willingness to share that gem of a recipe.

(Note: The link for the Double Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake recipe was included in my blog post in 2005 but, you know, it really has no place here on my Crazy Woman weight loss blog where it might tempt poor unsuspecting dieters, forcibly yanking them clear off their diets. And then they'd scorn me, and weave spells designed to zap me with fatter thighs, and never visit my blog again. I can't have that. So if you're in need of bulking up that belly of yours for some reason, then you can Google the recipe or visit the FoodNetwork site to look it up. I hereby absolve myself of any responsibility for your possible dietary transgressions due to reading about Double Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake here on my blog.)

As I stuffed my chubby cheeks with wickedly rich chocolate goodness that September afternoon, I closed my eyes, gleefully envisioning how slender and positively stunning I would look on New Year's Eve, because, of course, I would be 100% perfect on my diet and lose at least 45-pounds in three months.

Ah yes, I can remember that spectacular vision right now…me all dolled up in my glimmering, glamorous size 10-to-14 hostess gown, happily and gracefully entertaining a houseful of guests as they engaged in surreptitious whispers about how incredibly lovely, radiant and waiflike I'd become. There'd be muffled gasps of awe when I turned sideways and they couldn't see me because my profile was thinner than tissue paper. As I'd glide by, bestowing a warm smile from the lips on my slender face with the prominent cheekbones I never even knew I had, I'd graciously respond to a constant barrage of compliments about how utterly magnificent and breathtaking I looked…

POOF!

I have to laugh when I recall how I closed that September 2005 blog post. I said, “Please try not to hate me when, by December 31st, I am virtually indistinguishable from your favorite lollipop head celebrity. Rest assured that I'll still be the same, sweet, lovable, humble Susan--only much thinner, shapelier, younger-looking and extraordinarily more attractive.”

Would you like to guess what happened before New Year's Eve rolled around? Mmm-hmm, that's right. I blew it. And…here I am today, umpteen diets later, still trying to lose that same weight. Not only was there no gala holiday party at my house, I had refused to go out or be seen by anyone because I was so mortified about not losing weight after I'd blabbed my lofty intentions to them and all of blogland.

Before the end of that year I even had a visit from the *gulp* diet police! But in the interest of brevity, the details of that horrifying incident, as well as some of my assorted Weight Watcher tragedies (like the horrors of water retention, or like the time I was bamboozled by beef), will have to wait for future posts.

Before I started this diet--my final diet--I spent a couple of weeks eating basically anything I wanted. It was lots of fun, until I triggered my IBS and made myself so sick that I ended up eating barely anything the whole week before the diet, actually losing about 6-pounds without even trying.

Tell me about your pre-diet experiences. Did you eat with wild abandon or keep it light on the days leading up to your diet?